“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought:
If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame”
“I’m done being a people pleaser.
If everyone is okay with that.”
Perfectionism is often mistaken for ‘being perfect’ or doing something perfectly. Many assume it must be a good thing.
Perfectionism is a coping style that involves putting excessive pressure on ourselves to meet high standards.
There are positive and desirable qualities that come with perfectionism, such as being hard working, great with time management and being organised perhaps.
Sometimes these high standards get in the way of our happiness. People with perfectionism can feel they have no free time, highly self critical, anxious, stressed, and so afraid of failing.
There is a big difference between healthy striving and pursuit of excellence and an unhealthy striving for perfectionism. Perfectionism should not be viewed as a strength, as it can be extremely damaging to ones mental health.
People pleasing is a coping style which involves behaving and speaking in ways which meet the needs of others. Often at the detriment of their own desires or needs.
People pleasing is often viewed as being kind, overly helpful and as someone who goes above and beyond for others.
Generally people with people pleasing traits are highly attuned to others emotions, care deeply, and are very thoughtful of others circumstances.
However, people pleasing will lead to poor mental health. People with these tendancies can feel resentful and frustrated, anxious, lacking in self identity, taken advantage of, and have relationships that lack in deeper connection.
Relying on people pleasing behaviours begins with good intentions (trying to help others), however these behaviours are very damaging to ones emotional, physical and social wellbeing.
My Story.
When I realised I didn’t want to be a people pleaser and perfectionist any more…
I don’t have an exact moment in my life when I realised this, however it was around the time I went through a relationship breakup in my early twenties. This breakup, although accompanied with heartache, provided me with a newfound sense of freedom and personal identity. All of a sudden I was making my own choices, I was half way through my undergrad degree and had so much more ‘me time’. I felt like an entirely new woman.
I quickly became obsessed with the feeling. This made me realise how many years I’d spent saying yes when I wanted to say no, put others’ needs before my own and worked so hard to appear like I ‘had it all together’ to gain approval and self-worth.
After that realisation, I started to get in touch with who I really am, what I was feeling and I wanted for my life. In doing this (done so through some therapy, studying psychology and reading many self-help books) I began to speak up for myself, share my goals and go after them. Most importantly - I began to love myself (clique - I know, but true!).
Of course I slipped up at time’s (and still do), I set too strong or too weak of boundaries and I fell back into seeking the approval of others through my appearance, achievements and a faux ‘I’ve got it all together’ vibe.
In recognising and pushing back against these engrained mechanisms, overtime I began to experience incredible things. New exciting opportunities presented themself to me, I had balanced relationships, and through respecting myself, it noticeably increased others’ respect for me too. The freedom and fulfilment that comes from breaking these behaviours is life changing! I think of myself very privileged to be able to help others recognise these same issues, overcome them and to truly find themselves again.
